RFB: The Rifbys

Amid a hoard of press and rabid teenage girls, the results of the first annual 'Rifby' Awards were announced Sunday. From atop a monstrous platform built out of Coke 12-packs on Slaters Lane, founding father The Pops made the mistake of addressing the crowd. "This is a special day to be sure," he said. "Personally, I don't think I could've picked a better occasion to leave the house for the first time in six years. And despite what critics have said, I think 2000 has been a great year for movies. Films like 'Erin Brockorack' and 'Crouching Vagina, Hidden Penis' are classics in their own time. And by the way, I'm not sure which of those flicks made better use of wires." At that point in the ceremony, Litts and Kilty forcibly removed The Pops from the podium, and Brown took the proceedings in a more official direction. "Look, as much as I would've liked to, we couldn't vote for 'Titanic' again. But I think you'll agree that our selections, with 'Traffic' topping the list, represent some great work." Upon hearing Brown give away the big winner, JT, who had prepared a 90-minute PowerPoint presentation to unveil the winners and discuss methodological nuances, heaved his laptop at his close friend and simply read the winners aloud. While it was a rough first outing for the Flick Board, all indications are that the Rifbys will be back for years to come.

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