RFB: The Rifbys

In a fictitious ceremony held on the fictitious day of February 29th, results of the fourth annual 'Rifby' Awards were decided, with '21 Grams' taking top honors for 2003. However, the occasion was overshadowed by mass confusion caused by the Academy Awards holding their ceremony a full month earlier than usual, causing the Rifby announcements to be delayed. "This is yet another shameless attempt on the part of the Oscars to rip the limelight away from the Rifbys," said Brown. "They think they can garner attention by sliding their second-rate crap up a month? Come on."

Fellow RFB founding member The Pops was equally upset, if not quite as diplomatic. "Look, I may be older than Jack Valenti," he said. "But I'll tell you what: If the Oscars pull another stunt like this next year, I'll go 'Passion of the Christ' on their ass!"

Taking second place in Rifby Flick of The Year balloting was 'Mystic River', for which Sean Penn took home Best Actor honors at the Oscar ceremonies a week earlier. In a speech eerily similar to Penn's, Flickboard member Mac said, "If there's one thing our members know - other than there were no WMDs (Wachowski Movies worth a Damn) in 2003 - it's that there's no such thing as consistent opinion on the Flickboard." Illustrating Mac's point, a whopping 14 flicks, including 'Grams' and 'River', were selected by various members in Flick of the Year balloting - ranging from the big-budget 'Master and Commander' to Sundance sleepers 'American Splendor', 'Pieces of April', and 'Thirteen Steps'.

Other ballot categories were equally divided, with 7 different flicks selected by the RFB's 8 members in each. In a unprecedented turn, 'Cold Mountain' was selected as Worst of the Year, marking the first time a Golden Globe nominee has been given the dubious honor. This steaming pile of crap, which tells of the intensely American Civil War - while starring a Brit and an Australian, and being shot in Romania - was also selected as Most Overrated of 2003 by RFB members.

In brighter news, 'Confidence' took home Most Underrated honors, a result that appeared to leave Flickboard member Kilty with a positive feeling going into 2004. "It's good to know that in these trying times, we can still count on gratuitous violence and strong sexual content when we need it. I encourage the Hollywood institution - as well as Dustin Hoffman, in the 53 films he will do in 2004 - to continue this trend."

OVERALL RESULTS

PLAYER BALLOTS